Thursday 20 May 2010

USA

THEY ARE:
The United States Of America the most arrogant and loudmouthed group of individuals on/in the entire world. I have a downer on America due to the fact that my most recent dealings with people from the place were not necessarily good ones.

AS A FOOTBALL NATION:
The belief is that Americans consider football a girl’s sport. They also call it “soccer”. The NASL represents a very exciting period in football history and they definitely made a good job of the World Cup in 1994. Off the back of hosting that tournament they created the MLS which has impressively survived although not necessarily set the US sporting world on fire. These days it can often feel like something of a retirement home for European players looking for a pension pay off. Negativity aside this is their sixth finals appearance in a row as American players have gradually upped their abilities to the point their top players are now playing at top levels (including the Premier League).

MY OWN EXPERIENCE:
I fell in love with US soccer back in 1988 when ITV would screen games from the MISL (Major Indoor Soccer League) in the early hours of Sunday mornings. Teams such as the Chicago Sting, Tacoma Stars, San Diego Sockers, Los Angeles Lazers really did appear to represent the future of football. From here I discovered the NASL but also discovered that the league was long gone. Gradually my interest in the nation as a footballing power paid off as players such as John Harkes and Kasey Keller came to the English league.

IN 2010:
After being defeated finalists in the Confederations Cup (whatever that is) typically the Yanks now fancy themselves as a genuine threat as a footballing nation. This is something that has yet to be displayed or established. That said they were the last team to inflict a defeat on Spain.

FAMOUS PLAYERS:
Alexei Lalas and Kobi Jones are famous for their stupid hair. Kasey Keller is famous for having a mullet one day and being balding the next. Being a nation so obsessed with sports that uses their hands their most famous players tend to be goalkeepers in Tim Howard and Sylvester Stallone in Escape To Victory.

MOST OBVIOUS REFERENCE:
Their world dominance. And Hollywood.

AWAY FROM FOOTBALL:
On many levels they are loved and hated. Barack Obama has proved a handy PR exercise as he appears to set about putting right the wrongs of his predecessor George W. Bush.

NUMBER OF PEOPLE FROM THE USA THAT I KNOW:
Too many.

QUOTE FROM AN AMERICAN:
Coming.

DO I LIKE THEM:
Being in the same group as England I naturally hate them. Once we are out of the group stage, should they remain in the competition I will probably be on their side.

FINAL COMMENT:
Enough already.

Monday 17 May 2010

URUGUAY

THEY ARE:
Uruguay is a country in South American which is now sadly best known for their mention in The Simpsons where Homer Simpson looks at a globe and comments “look at the name of this country: U R Gay”

AS A FOOTBALL NATION:
With Manchester City-esqe kits Uruguay these days are something of the South American also rans, the poor relatives of Brazil and Argentina despite the fact that they won the first ever World Cup back in 1930. They then won the tournament again in 1950. They only just qualified for this tournament by beating Costa Rica over two legs in a play off after finishing only fifth in the South American qualification group.

MY OWN EXPERIENCE:
The first World Cup I ever watched was the 1986 tournament in Mexico and at the time I was a big fan of Denmark (especially Jan Molby) and Uruguay were in the same group as them, West Germany and Scotland which was that tournament’s “Group Of Death.” Famously against Scotland they had Jose Batista sent off after 56 seconds (a World Cup record that remains today) and then against Denmark they found themselves on the receiving end of a 6-1 defeat, a game that I watched over and over on the VHS tape it was on (and I still have).

IN 2010:
Having not qualified confidently they seem doomed to only get in the way although Group A isn’t necessarily the strongest in the tournament.

FAMOUS PLAYERS:
These days it is Diego Forlan but back in the day it was Enzo Francescoli.

MOST OBVIOUS REFERENCE:
Telecommunications.

AWAY FROM FOOTBALL:
Known for battling for independence.

NUMBER OF PEOPLE FROM URUGUAY THAT I KNOW:
None.

QUOTE FROM A URUGUAYIAN:
Not coming.

DO I LIKE THEM:
They’re usually tasty.

FINAL COMMENT:
Need to know.

Wednesday 12 May 2010

SWITZERLAND

THEY ARE:
An incredibly healthy and wealthy country with beautiful countryside providing something of a tax haven. The shape of Toblerone chocolate is designed to replicate the mountains of the alps. In The Sound Of Music Switzerland is where the Von Trapps flee to. These days Phil Collins has fled there as a tax haven. Poor Switzerland.

AS A FOOTBALL NATION:
They can cause the occasional nuisance but not necessarily by design. Famously they exited the 2006 World Cup without conceding a goal. They got game. Switzerland was actually the host nation back in 1954 which was the first televised finals.

MY OWN EXPERIENCE:
They were managed by Roy Hodgson at the 1994 finals in America where they made history by playing in the first ever indoors game against the USA inside the Pontiac Silverdome. At the 2004 European Championships England and Switzerland were drawn in the same group and when they played each other England comfortably won 3-0.

IN 2010:
There route to the finals was a relatively easy one (the perks of a high FIFA ranking). Comfortably they topped Group 2 which consisted of Greece, Latvia, Israel, Luxembourg and Moldova. Being drawn in the same group (Group H) as Spain is always going to be less than ideal. With the group being padded out with Honduras and Chile though they sport a more than decent chance of getting through the group stage.

FAMOUS PLAYERS:
It currently is Philippe Senderos of Arsenal.

MOST OBVIOUS REFERENCE:
Swiss army penknives, Swiss cheese and Swiss bank accounts. Also Toblerone.

AWAY FROM FOOTBALL:
The International Red Cross is based in Geneva. Its most famous “literary creation” is Heidi. FIFA is also based in Switzerland, you have to keep things neutral.

NUMBER OF PEOPLE FROM SWITZERLAND THAT I KNOW:
None.

QUOTE FROM A SWISS PERSON:
Not likely.

DO I LIKE THEM:
When we don’t have to play them.

FINAL COMMENT:
I love Toblerone.

Monday 10 May 2010

SPAIN

THEY ARE:
Widely regarded as the most pleasant country on the European continent. Every year millions of people flock to their resorts to make the most of the best things in life (on a budget).

AS A FOOTBALL NATION:
Spain have always had a pretty national team but never really quite reached the heights of France or Italy. In Barcelona and Real Madrid they have two of the strongest clubs in the world and as a result one of the most popular domestic leagues on the globe. Spain come fresh (relatively) from winning the 2008 European Championships where they beat Germany in the final with a goal from David Villa.

MY OWN EXPERIENCE:
I will never forget them demolishing an amazing Danish side at Mexico 86. Ever since they have been a regular presence in tournament finals without necessarily causing too much of a commotion until now. This is probably their best lineup of my generation and my gut instinct is that they are best avoided. Back in 1990 I was on holiday in Mallorca and remember having the greatest time watching their game against Uruguay with the locals. Their passion was friendly and infectious.

IN 2010:
Many people fancy Spain to go all the way this year. Indeed the partnership of Villa and Torres is probably the best striking unit in the competition. They enter the tournament with a record of just one defeat in their last forty eight matches (at the hands of the USA). And after winning the last European Championships people expect them to continue such form in this competition making them one of the definite favourites for the tournament.

FAMOUS PLAYERS:
Emilio Butragueno was their star when I first encountered them. He had the nickname “El Buitre” (“The Vulture”). Also in the team was the infamous Victor who appeared to be lacking a neck. Later came Salinas and Hierro. Their all time top scorer is Raul and their team is currently flooded with talent with the likes of Cesc Fabregas, David Villa, Fernando Torres and Xabi Alonso.

MOST OBVIOUS REFERENCE:
Straw donkeys.

AWAY FROM FOOTBALL:
The current thing appears to be the Primavera Festival which is considered by many to be the best music festival in Europe. An unfortunate economic dark cloud appears to be looming in the distance on Spain.

NUMBER OF PEOPLE FROM SPAIN THAT I KNOW:
Currently one and ironically she is married to a South African – perfect for this tournament.

QUOTE FROM A SPANIARD:
I’ll try but she does not like football.

DO I LIKE THEM:
I don’t dislike them. If England have to go up against them I will be worried. As a casual observer I will be able to enjoy their games and no doubt the goals of Torres and Villa but as a threat they are too dangerous to trust.

FINAL COMMENT:
I experience pain and discomfort every time I see Alonso on screen because he looks like somebody from my past I really dislike.

Sunday 9 May 2010

SOUTH KOREA

THEY ARE:
The positive side of Korea, the ones playing in red (which is strange considering the communist connotations of their poor relations/neighbours). Unlike their neighbours they are quite an Americanized nation.

AS A FOOTBALL NATION:
They are regular qualifiers for World Cups and in 2002 they made a fine job of co-hosting the event with Japan. Amazingly they made it to the semi finals of the 2002 tournament disposing of both Italy and Spain along the way. Eventually they went out to Germany and finished fourth in the tournament but they were a genuine breath of fresh air that you tend to hope will happen each year. The feat was a once in a lifetime achievement.

MY OWN EXPERIENCE:
South Korea is one of those cuddly footballing nations that it is fun to root for and in 2002 you began to wonder when the joke was going to end. Again this year I am likely to be on their side whenever they play.

IN 2010:
Situated in Group B they have the much fancied Argentina to deal with but elsewhere in the group they stand more than a fighting against Nigeria and Greece who are a couple of inconsistent teams to say the least.

FAMOUS PLAYERS:
Their current captain Park Ji-Sung is an understated star at Manchester United, a player it seems almost impossible to dislike.

MOST OBVIOUS REFERENCE:
These days it seems to be great horror movies. At one time it was eating dogs.

AWAY FROM FOOTBALL:
South Korea tends to be the West’s favourite Asian nation after Japan. Amazing movies such as Oldboy, Sympathy For Lady Vengeance and The Host make South Korea seem a very exciting, interesting and vibrant place to be.

NUMBER OF PEOPLE FROM SOUTH KOREA THAT I KNOW:
Just over two years ago I found myself working with a lady from South Korea as part of our team. She was a fierce lady that appeared to hate me which was a shame because I had a lot of time for her. Additionally a year or so before that I once went on a date with a Korean lady called Jay who claimed to be a distant relative of Sun from Lost. Currently I have a friend called Swapna who is out in South Korea teaching English and having an amazing time.

QUOTE FROM A SOUTH KOREAN:
Not coming.

DO I LIKE THEM:
Yes I do.

FINAL COMMENT:
This one is for Margaret Cho and Lee Young Ae.

Thursday 6 May 2010

Thursday 6 May 2010 – 36 DAYS TO THE WORLD CUP

This is the big one, Election Day. At a time such as this the country really needs a Capello type figure out front but instead we get Brown, Cameron and Clegg. These are not alpha males. Some of them are not even Englishmen. Football and politics do not mix (anyone remember Colin Moynihan?) and I hope the winner of this pissing contest remembers this when the World Cup arrives this summer.

Myself, today I am going on a date. Usually these things tend to end in tears but this time this one appears keener than usual. She and I have already discussed football on the phone and I think we have an understanding regarding the World Cup. I think so. On the outset of things it all goes well.

Back to the election as the coverage is pretty good with Rod Liddle appearing on the Come Dine With Me special on Channel Four (Liddle being a fellow Millwall supporter). By this point however with the exit polls pointing towards the inevitable Cameron victory I soon find myself falling asleep. Dark times.

In the real world (the football world) two friendly matches were played today as Argentina took on Haiti and beat them 4-0 with debutant Facundo Bertoglio scoring a brace either side of halftime. Just what this actually says of the team is open to debate.

The other game saw Chile defeat Trinidad And Tobago 2-0 which equally fails to shed much light on the prospects of Chile with their Group H campaign although it may give them some idea as what to expect from Honduras.

Wednesday 5 May 2010

SOUTH AFRICA

THEY ARE:
Possessing something of a checkered history, South Africa is the reformed nation of the world (with lots of effort from Mandela) who hosts this competition with a sense of the being rewarded.

AS A FOOTBALL NATION:
After having no official team during the apartheid years once back up and running they took no time in qualifying for the World Cup qualifying for the competitions in 1998 and 2002.

MY OWN EXPERIENCE:
Years ago Gary Bailey of Manchester United played a match for the Kaizer Chiefs which was perhaps the first time I ever saw a football from Africa. Over the years various players have made it to the Premier League including Benni McCarthy and Quinton Fortune although the team has never really achieved a status much above making up the numbers. This year things should change though.

IN 2010:
With the horns of a nation behind them and not necessarily the toughest group (Group A) they stand a more than fighting chance of progressing to the knock out rounds for the first time.

FAMOUS PLAYERS:
Benni McCarthy and Quinton Fortune.

MOST OBVIOUS REFERENCE:
Nelson Mandela.

AWAY FROM FOOTBALL:
They also have a famous rugby team that was captained by Matt Damon and coached by Morgan Freeman. That and a history of racism.

NUMBER OF PEOPLE FROM SOUTH AFRICAN THAT I KNOW:
Two – Carol and Bob.

QUOTE FROM A SOUTH AFRICAN:
Coming.

DO I LIKE THEM:
I have to concede to have had issues with South African people in the past. As a result I know how to say “fuck off” and “I will kick your arse” in their native tongue. Even worse though I purposely mix them up with Australians.

FINAL COMMENT:
This is going to be a great World Cup thanks to South African and not Coca Cola branding etc.

Tuesday 4 May 2010

SLOVENIA

THEY ARE:
They gained independence from Yugoslavia in 1991, gaining recognition in 1992.

AS A FOOTBALL NATION:
This is only the second time that they have qualified for the World Cup finals with the other time being in 2002 at the Japan/South Korea finals. They are another of the new footballing sides that have never won a game at the World Cup finals.

MY OWN EXPERIENCE:
Traditionally Slovenia have been one of those Eastern European teams that sit in qualification groups to be beaten 5-0 by the big nations and provide small victories for the smaller nations. Times they have a changed though.

IN 2010:
They are grouped with England, Algeria and the USA. This could well prove something of a deceptive group. In qualification they were runners up in Group 3 behind Slovakia before causing a shock by eliminating Russia on away goals in a bad tempered second leg in Russia.

FAMOUS PLAYERS:
Midfielder Robert Koren is at West Bromwich Albion (but has been released).

MOST OBVIOUS REFERENCE:
Their cuisine.

AWAY FROM FOOTBALL:
I read that their dish Butja Repa is made from lard and a pig’s head. Be afraid, be very afraid.

NUMBER OF PEOPLE FROM SLOVENIA THAT I KNOW:
Quite possibly I work with one or two.

QUOTE FROM A SLOVENIAN:
Not likely.

DO I LIKE THEM:
I will not be siding with them when they play against England in Group C.

FINAL COMMENT:
They play in green so may well turn out to be something good.

Monday 3 May 2010

SLOVAKIA

THEY ARE:
Slovakia is a relatively recently formed state/nation having split away from being part of Czechoslovakia on New Year’s Eve 1992/New Year’s Day 1993.

AS A FOOTBALL NATION:
This is the first time Slovakia on their own have reached the World Cup finals on their own. They are a genuine mystery of a package.

MY OWN EXPERIENCE:
Czechoslovakia were always something of a tasty team able to upset the apple cart. In recent years the Czech Republic appears to have carried that mantle more than Slovakia but having dispatched of the Czech Republic in the qualifying rounds Slovakia may finally be coming of age.

IN 2010:
They qualified by winning Group 3 which contained Slovenia, the Czech Republic, Northern Ireland, Poland and San Marino – no mean feat. This suggests they have form.

FAMOUS PLAYERS:
Currently Martin Skrtel of Liverpool.

MOST OBVIOUS REFERENCE:
The Velvet Revolution.

AWAY FROM FOOTBALL:
They invented the first parachute ever used by the military.

NUMBER OF PEOPLE FROM SLOVAKIA THAT I KNOW:
Potentially a number at work but I don’t for sure.

QUOTE FROM A SLOVAKIAN:
Not coming.

DO I LIKE THEM:
I don’t mind them and sense they wouldn’t provide much of an obstacle in the knockout rounds.

FINAL COMMENT:
This was the final country I was able to do a write up about. They haven’t exactly got it going on.

Sunday 2 May 2010

SERBIA

THEY ARE:
A nation only founded in 2006.

AS A FOOTBALL NATION:
Traditionally they appeared in World Cups as part of Yugoslavia and as Serbia-Montenegro in the 2006 World Cup.

MY OWN EXPERIENCE:
What happened to Montenegro? Best not go there.

IN 2010:
It sounds like people genuinely regard Serbia as dark horses for this tournament and generally there is a tradition/history of mysterious Eastern Bloc teams cause upsets and problems for teams (I am thinking Croatia).

FAMOUS PLAYERS:
Vidic off Manchester United.

MOST OBVIOUS REFERENCE:
Raspberries.

AWAY FROM FOOTBALL:
Serb patriot Gavrilo Princip gunned down Franz Ferdinand in Sarajevo. Sadly not the band. This act started World War I.

NUMBER OF PEOPLE FROM SERBIA THAT I KNOW:
I might work with one or two but I can’t be sure on that.

QUOTE FROM A SERBIAN:
Not likely.

DO I LIKE THEM:
Definite darkhorses. Rather than like them, I am wary of them.

FINAL COMMENT:
I don’t know.

Saturday 1 May 2010

PORTUGAL

THEY ARE:
The poor cousins of Spain. I went on holiday to the Algarve a number of years ago and it was an awful experience. It tainted the country for me forever.

AS A FOOTBALL NATION:
They have knocked England out their last two football tournaments (fairly in Euro 2004 and by foul in the 2006 World Cup). Indeed Portugal was hosts of the European Championships in 2004. These days they are a much fancied footballing nation.

MY OWN EXPERIENCE:
Not good I have to say. When Ronaldo cheated to get Wayne Rooney sent off at the last World Cup it was a truly deplorable act. My old will often take the time out to tell me of the greatness of Eusebio but I am having none of it.

IN 2010:
With Ronaldo on board they are still dangerous and still a threat. They are in the Group Of Death (Group G) so it is plausible/possible that they will not make it out of the group stage but this just promises an interesting and exciting set of games.

FAMOUS PLAYERS:
Eusebio and Ronaldo. One was a prince and one is a whore. There has also been Paolo Futre and Luis Figo amongst others. Jose Mourinho is famous and Portuguese too.

MOST OBVIOUS REFERENCE:
Nandos innit.

AWAY FROM FOOTBALL:
Lisbon has the largest aquarium in Europe. Nelly Furtado is half Portuguese and half Canadian.

NUMBER OF PEOPLE FROM PORTUGAL THAT I KNOW:
One of the bartenders at work called Filipe is from Portugal and his voice is exactly the same as Mourinho. It is pretty cool, unlike his hairstyle.

QUOTE FROM A PORTUGUESE PERSON:
Not coming.

DO I LIKE THEM:
No I do not. Well, I didn’t until I drew them in a sweepstake.

FINAL COMMENT:
I would like to punch Ronaldo on the adam’s apple. Does he realize how much he looks like a young Cliff Richard?